At the end of last year the charity Tommy’s launched a campaign (#miscourage) to get people talking about miscarriage and raise funds to open the UK’s first miscarriage research centre. I’ve thought long and hard about writing this and have had various versions stored in my phone for months. Now though, with a little too much time of my hands it seems appropriate to share our story…

You probably know that we have the most fantastic little boy called Pookie, he is our sunshine! What you may not know is that I have been pregnant four times!

Our first began with the usual happiness and nervous excitement I imagine most first pregnancies start with. It ended abruptly at 12 weeks in the Early Pregnancy Unit when we were told our baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 9 weeks old. A colleague of mine was one of the only people at work to really acknowledge what I’d been through and told me she knew how I felt, it had happened to her. 

“It will never go away, but it will get easier.”

She was right!
Our second happened just as easily as the first but resulted in an early trip to the EPU where we saw the first of many glimpses of our amazing little boy.

We never once let our guard down to enjoy the experience. His growth was monitored fortnightly due to IUGR from 20 weeks and we were under the close supervision of the most amazing and supportive consultant who said (thankfully after he was born) that when she met us at 20 weeks she didn’t believe he would survive to be born. He was born via emergency c-section weighing a tiny 3lb 15oz after a stressful and anxious 36 weeks of pregnancy and spent 12 nights in the special care baby unit before we could take him home.
Our third pregnancy was monitored closely from the start and at a mere 8 weeks we knew that it was not to be. It was found to be a triploidy pregnancy and was brought to an end medically a few days later. A month afterwards, we were called in by the consultant to be told that it had in fact been a molar pregnancy and so began 6 months of fortnightly urine tests by the Sheffield Trophoblastic Disease Centre. Thankfully the cells did not regrow and after much worry I got the all clear in August, one month before our baby would have been due.
January 2016 started with a positive pregnancy test on New Year’s Day. After a couple of months of trying I was pregnant again. Sadly our 7 week scan did not confirm our good news. A blank ultrasound screen and hugely elevated hCG levels meant only one thing…another molar pregnancy!
And so, as I lie on my hospital bed following the necessary surgical procedure I have time to think and contemplate the future without a second baby and a sibling for Pookie. And it makes me sad. But it’s important to realise all of the things I am grateful for, the fantastic health care I’ve received and the amazing people I get to share my life with.
“I am not unlucky! Far from it!”
Far more terrible things have happened to people we care about over the past few years and we know just how lucky we are to have our gorgeous Pookie. He amazes us every single day!
We won’t try again! Instead we will count our blessings and move forward to make some fantastic new memories in our perfect little family of three.